Friday, December 27, 2013

Tired of your family? Divorce them and choose an entirely new one

If you have finally become fed up with your own family, why not do what many online family tree contributors have been doing for years, simply divorce your "real" family and choose one you like better. That way you don't have to worry about those pesky things like citations and such, all you have to do is dream. Haven't you always wanted to impress your friends with your family relationship to famous people or even the kings of Europe? Well, now is your opportunity. There are no formalities here at all. Just begin deleting those annoying relatives and replace them with 100% bona fide selection from our online catalog of Impressive Family Lines. Did you always want to claim Elvis as a cousin. No problem. How about a line back to Adam. We have several to pick from. Your Aunt Sue tried to convince you that you weren't related to Pocahontas. Just take Aunt Sue right out of your line with our convenient Ancestor Removal App and sign up for any one of our amazing verified, absolutely reliable family lines back to a real Indian Princess, Pocahontas herself.

Afraid that no one will notice how important you have become since you started using Impressive Family Lines? Sign up for our real time data package, the Family Blaster. The FB (Family Blaster) will automatically post every change you make to your newly minted Impressive Family Lines and post them to every known social networking program in existence at the time of the change. As recent news articles have commented, Impressive Family Lines, is a deal changer. Why stay with your old stodgy and cantankerous family members, when in just a short time after subscribing to our program, you can have a glamorous and much more impressive set of relatives. What is even better, these are relatives that you never have to see or talk to.

If you read our fine print, you will see that membership in Impressive Family Lines does not provide access to any of the major or minor heritage groups. But who needs to be a descendant of the Mayflower Passengers when you can be related to Tom Hanks and Harrison Ford?

If you sign up for our Super Premium High Value Program, in addition to regular postings on Facebook and the social networking programs about your relationship with famous people, we also include automatic posting of your Impressive Family Lines on 100 of the top online family tree programs to get you maximum bang for your buck. If you elect to go with the Advanced Super Premium High Value Program, we will also make sure your family tree always appears first in an online search for any surname in the world. Yes, you too can show up first in Google.

Don't delay. This offer is only available for a limited time. We have a sentencing hearing scheduled in two months.

8 comments:

  1. Thanks! I needed a good laugh today.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You neglected to leave a link to the Impressive Family Lines catalog, the Family Blaster program, and the ASPHVP web page. This sounds like a pretty good deal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, but I left it off on purpose. Its bad enough on online family trees without too much encouragement.

      Delete
  3. Enjoyed this! But what if I eant to be related to fictional characters like Peter Pan or Claire Randall ("Outlander" ) series? Which program should I use? LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Homer Simpson is fictional - his tree is at http://simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/File:The_Simpson's_Family_Tree_of_Homer.png Not on Ancestry.com though!

      Delete
  4. This is amazing. Thanks for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  5. While this is VERY funny... It's sad too, because there are some (or many?) genealogists who actually do this!

    As a genealogist who began researching 'pre-Internet', I remember the days of writing letters, sending for documents, & visiting archives. The internet has certainly made things easier, but I'm glad I had those early years to teach me "research". I know it's made me a better genealogist!

    Your post is a great reminder for us all to be diligent & responsible in our research! Happy New Year~

    ReplyDelete